I wasn’t sure why at the time, but I decided to transcribe all of the text conversations the X and I had after my discovery of his very bad behavior. Now I know why — so I could share it all with you. The following texts are the ones between us after I found his emails to E.
S – Please tell me how to stop the reel of what happened between the two of you from playing in my head. It hurts.
X – I don’t know how to stop it other than to tell you it was a bad dream that will never happen again and that I love you with my whole heart. I stumbled, but I will never stray again.
S – I still can’t believe you and I are having a conversation where you say the words, “I strayed.” It just doesn’t seem real.
X – I’ll do anything to make it better sweetie. Just say the word.
S – I wish there was something you could do. I just want it all to go away. I want to blindly trust you again. I want the constant nausea gone. I want the images of what you two said to each other erased. I want to feel whole again. I hate that thoughts of you and her and what you two shared just pop into my head sometimes.
X – We only exchanged a few emails love. Only you and I share stuff. She and I had a few emails, you and I have a life and each other! I love you! It’ll never happen again! She was just a game. You are my soulmate!
S – I know you’re frustrated with me and you think I should be moving on, but (the boy child’s) baseball game days are really hard for me. It’s hard for me knowing that you will be around her and that you found her attractive – before you tell me it was all just a game, at least acknowledge that you don’t tell a woman that you want her “perfect mouth” wrapped around your dick if you aren’t attracted to her. I’m just extremely insecure and having to be at a baseball game with her makes me want to throw up.
X – I don’t think you understand my frustration. I’m frustrated that I did this to you. I’m not frustrated with you at all! I completely understand how you feel. You are the last person I would be frustrated with. This is all my fault. You misinterpret my absolute disgust with myself for frustration with you. I love you!
S – I need to know EXACTLY what went on between you two. Otherwise, you two share this sexy secret. I don’t want you sharing anything with her. Ever again.
X – Sweetie, I’m telling you, you know the worst of it. The truth is, I sent those emails to her when I was drunk and I don’t remember what they said love. I truly believe what you saw was the worst. I really do. I was a selfish, unthinking idiot.
S – Yeah, you’re right. You were a selfish, unthinking jackass. Oh, sorry. You said idiot.
X – I do have to admit. You are a witty texter. I love the hell out of you!